Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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