The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
