I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
