So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
