you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We need to get me chipped asap
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
