you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I intend to get homeless drunk
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Randomize
