Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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