My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
