mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
