I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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