hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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