Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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