Did you just see the Batmobile???
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
