Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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