You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
