well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize