shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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