Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
