DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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