Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
