it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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