I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
