some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
