Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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