Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
