Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
