my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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