Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
