I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
