Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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