I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I will die if light touches me.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
