New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
4 words: hood of his car
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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