We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
