His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
