Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
