after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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