I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
