She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
