Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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