Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Randomize
