If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
