im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
foreskin is a definite game changer
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
