ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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