I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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