...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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