I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
