I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
