I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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