batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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