You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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